Quaich Photos

Click to this link for all photos: Quaich 2016 Photos

Where Do You Rank? Quaich Player Statistics All Time

Final Match Results from Austin

That's Fantastic! Denholm Named 2018 Scottish Captain

By winning all four of his matches in Austin, Ronald “NSW Ronnie” Denholm showed the leadership skills that will serve him well as 2018 Scottish Team Captain.  A Quaich veteran, NSW Ronnie is Scotland's highest points producer and sits just one point behind USA's Brian "Goombay" Farley in all-time Quaich points.

"NSW Ronnie is a brilliant star," said out-going Scotland Captain Ross "Rosco" MacCallum.  "I trust he will build off my winning formula in 2018."

Denholm is a 1987 graduate of the University of Edinburgh.  He is currently on "garden leave" from his job at Barley's Bank, allowing him lots and lots of time strategize about the 2018 Quaich.  He spends his quiet days tending to chrysanthemums and impatiens along with a boxwood border at his Brighton home.

Scotland Wins The Quaich!

In a defining moment in Quaich history, Team Scotland won the Quaich over the U.S.A. by a final score of 11½ to 7½.  Winless since 2006, Scotland took the Quaich for the third time with its first win on U.S. soil.   The Scottish players celebrated late into the night on Sunday in Austin, Texas, sharing their joy via video calls with loved ones back in Caledonia.

Victorious Team Scotland at Barton Creek

“Ah’m o’er the moon,” said an emotional Ross “Rosco” MacCallum, the Scottish captain, with tears welling in his eyes.  “Ah still cannae believe it.”

“We won! Yaldi!,” exclaimed Ronald “NSW Ronnie” Denholm, who won all four of his matches to lead Team Scotland in points.

Scotland exorcised its demons and quieted its critics with a dominant performance in Austin, Texas.  Scotland won the opening day on Friday, the morning session on Saturday, and never looked back. Any hope of a USA comeback was squelched late on Saturday afternoon during the team scramble competition at the Coore Crenshaw course’s 17^th green.  Clinging to a 1 up lead in the match, the Scottish team of Allen “Oor Wullie” Wilson and Douglas “Slicer” Brown were on the verge of losing the hole.  With the Americans safely in for par, Oor Wullie faced a slippery 25-foot downhill shot from the fringe.  The crowd gathered around the green agreed that the Scottish team had little chance to get down in two to halve the hole from that perilous position.  But with the calm of a Quaich veteran, rookie Oor Wullie used a classic “Texas wedge” to hole the shot, break the hearts of the assembled American team, and secure the point for Scotland.

Sky Sports golf commentator Ewen Murray praised Captain MacCallum’s strategy.  “He simply out-foxed the U.S. captain,” said Murray.  Rosco’s controversial “no drinking” rule for his team paid huge dividends.  And sending out the same pairings on the Saturday morning and afternoon sessions was a stroke of genius as Scotland used the day to build on its lead.  “Even Rosco’s pretending to get confused about the order of his singles selection on Sunday was a well-calculated ruse,” said one Scottish insider.

The Wee's celebrate their victory

As for Team USA, they will spend the next two years reflecting on this loss.  The U.S. team never found its rhythm in Austin.  Aside from the 3 points earned by U.S. Captain Chris “Guvna” Hughes, there were not many bright spots for Team USA.  Stalwart player Brian “Goombay” Farley seemed uninspired throughout the weekend and only managed 2 points.  And “the Original Three” veteran players James “Sheets” Moreland , Chris “Cudman” Van Horne and Stephen “Web” Webster achieved a dismal 2 ½ points between them.  “We’re thinking of reducing the role of the Original Three to just ceremonial opening tee shots in 2018,” said a bitter USA player, who asked to remain anonymous.  In fairness, Sheets suffered a debilitating lateral oblique injury while warming-up before day one of the Quaich and was never the same.   “The Sheets injury was a big set-back for Team USA,” said Brandel Chamblee of Golf Channel. “That lateral oblique was the biggest Quaich health scare since the Wee Mikey Chinese food episode in 2014.”

“I’m proud of my guys,” said U.S. Captain Chris “Guvna” Hughes.  “We just got beat by a better team.” 

“It will change in 2018,” said U.S. President-elect Donald Trump when informed of the Quaich results. “We will have so much winning that you may get bored with winning. Believe me.”

The USA now leads the modern Quaich series with 5 wins to Scotland’s 3.

Safely in the arms of Rosco, the Quaich returned to its ancestral homeland on British Air flight 109 on Monday night.  Announcements of the date and location of Quaich 2018 will come in late 2017.

Interpreting Sheets Speak

Late on Saturday afternoon, USA player James “Sheets” Moreland was numb from a cocktail of Bud Lights and prescription strength Diclofenac Sodium.  Having just lost a spirited two-man scramble match, Sheets staggered atop a hill near the 17^th green at the Coore Crenshaw course and began to cheer on his teammates as their matches finished up.   Even at his most articulate, Sheets can be hard to understand, but he reached new heights of incomprehensibility on Saturday afternoon.  Our cameras were there to capture the moment.  What do you hear in this video?

Vodka and Estrogen Flow Freely At Quaich!

A cat-fight of epic proportions occurred on Friday night after the first round of the Quaich.  With the USA already down 2 1/2 to 1 1/2 points, USA Captain Chris “Guvna” Hughes made the decision to call in a substitute for an injured James “Sheets” Moreland.  Incredibly, the Captain's decision was allegedly blocked by his own teammate, Stephen “Web” Webster.  During late night drinks at Banger’s Sausage House Beer Garden in Austin, Guvna was heard to scream about “insubordination” and “executive privilege”.  Web slurred a few vodka-infused words about the “spirit of the Quaich” and “no interlopers”.  Seeing the Americans beginning to implode, the Scottish team quietly disappeared into the night.  The American team continued fighting among themselves into the early hours of the morning.

Many Quaich insiders say that Web, in particular, tends to feed off drama.  “Web has been involved in most of the drama over the years in the Quaich,” said an unnamed source.  “Let’s just say it’s not just a coincidence. Web’s a bit of a drama mama.”

Indeed, Web has been at their epicenter of many of the great Quaich controversies in the past.  Web was actively involved in the Graeme Wilson ball touching accusation at Lossiemouth, the sweet potato soup incident at Castle Stewart, and the fake tequila shots at North Berwick.

Guvna and Web in happier times

This is certainly not the first time Web has squabbled with his own team.  Sources tell us that in 2014 in the Highlands, Web and then-Captain Eric “Swayze” Silagy exchanged personal invectives at the dining table over a suggested benching of Web for poor play.   The slurs “controlling Type A douche canoe” and “passive-aggressive feeble dicked jizztissue” were heard ringing from the walls of the great room of Quarryfield.  Six years earlier, because Web was not collaborative in selecting pairings while Captain in Colorado in 2008, he had a very public argument with Cudman during dinner at Six89 in Carbondale.  The two did not speak for 24-hours after the ugly episode.

“Web is crazier'n all git out!” said one anonymous source with a Texas twang. “I done told ya he was on his period this weekend.”

“I don’t know why I always end up in the middle of these incidents,” said a contrite Web. “I’m looking forward to having a drama-free Quaich in 2018.”