Rosco Relocates to Texas Ahead of 2016 Quaich

In an audacious effort to gain an advantage going into next year’s Quaich matches, Scottish Captain Ross “Rosco” MacCallum has taken up permanent residence in Austin, Texas.  Leaving his wife, Sammy, and two teenaged children behind in Edinburgh, Rosco has been living in the upscale Plaza Lofts apartment in downtown Austin for several weeks. 

“Relocating just makes strategic sense,” said Rosco.  “It’ll give me access to the Barton Creek golf courses, which I plan to play several times each week.” The Barton Creek Resort will be the host facility of the 2016 Quaich matches.

Rosco’s apartment lease runs through October 2016, and not everyone is as gleeful as he about the move.

“I do not understand it,” said a tearful Sammy MacCallum. “He has essentially abandoned his family.”

“I gotta be honest,” said Chris “Guvna” Hughes, the USA Captain and Austin resident.  “It’s kind of creepy running into Ross everywhere I go lately.”

Rosco at University of Texas football game

Indeed, the Guvna was entertaining clients at a recent University of Texas football game when Rosco suddenly appeared wearing a Longhorns cap and over-sized burnt orange rain poncho.  “He just shows up, uninvited and all excited to learn about American football,” said Guvna.  “It was really awkward for my guests when Ross started screaming at the referee to issue a red card to a Kansas State linebacker.”

Rosco at Gruene Hall

Rosco at Salt Lick

Two days later, Guvna and his wife were enjoying a quiet dinner at the Salt Lick, a popular barbecue restaurant in Austin, when Rosco unexpectedly appeared.  “He just sat down next to me and asked Pam to past the brisket and beans,” said Guvna.  “I was speechless.”  Later that night, Rosco followed the Hughes to Gruene Hall and made a scene by disrupting a Texas line dance with his own bizarre version of the Scottish Ceilidh.  The Guvna filed for a 50-foot restraining order the next morning.

Rosco at Top Golf

Rosco’s purported reason for the move to Texas --- to spend time studying the golf courses at Barton Creek --- has not yet materialized.  He has, however, been seen every other night at Top Golf, a local golf amusement center.  “Mister MacCallum is a great customer,” said Brad Stafford, the General Manager at Top Golf.  “He orders a bucket of Shiners and a couple of quesadillas and spends hours trying to hit the blue target.”

At last report, Rosco had purchased cowboy boots, Cinch

jeans and started greeting strangers with “Howdy”.  He even purchased an assault rifle, claiming he might need to protect himself from the “illegals” coming up from Mexico.  “We oughta’ build a fu*kin’ wall,” said Rosco as he dipped into a bag of Red Man. “But until then, I’ve got my Baretta and a box full of ballistic silver-tips to keep me safe.”

Guv'na and Web Meet In Vegas to Place Early Wager on Quaich Matches

Stephen "Web" Webster and Chris "Guv'na" Hughes of Team USA met at the Race & Sports Book at the Cosmopolitan hotel in Las Vegas tonight to place the first wagers on the 2016 Quaich matches.  Having just squandered $400 at the craps table, Guv'na was interested in betting a sure thing and placed $2500 on Team USA to retain the Quaich in 2016.  At 7/4 odds, the Guv'na will take home $4375 with a US victory.

Web and Guv'na at the Cosmopolitan hotel in Las Vegas

"That should be enough to cover my nut at Bartons Lounge," said Guv'na, referring to the bar at the resort that will be home of the 2016 Quaich matches.

Web also placed a wager on Team USA, albeit a more modest $500.  He also put $50 on himself to lose fewer than a dozen golf balls during the matches (10/1 odds) and $75 on Wee Mikey to shag a local during his time in Austin (2/3 odds).

The 2016 Quaich matches will be held October 27 - 30 at the Barton Creek Resort in Austin, Texas

Outrage! Quaich Being Used as Spittoon in Austin Law Office

Sources revealed that the Quaich, the hallowed chalice that is awarded every two years to the winning team in a long-standing golf match play competition between teams of friends from Scotland and the U.S.A., is currently being used at a spittoon in the Texas law office of U.S. Captain Chris "Guv'na" Hughes.

The Quaich in the law office of the Guv'na.  What was the Guv'na thinking when he chose that rug?

According to Heather Simmons, a summer associate at the large law firm in Austin, the Guv'na invites fellow partners to spit chewing tobacco in the Quaich during meetings.  "It's disgusting," said Simmons in a candid interview. "Those good ol' boys sit around with these huge wads of Red Man and Skoal in their mouths, spitting copious amounts of rancid juice into that beautiful silver cup."

Simmons, who has since returned to Baylor University law school to start her third year, described being invited to attend a meeting in the Guv'na's office to discuss pending litigation against an oil and natural gas client.  "I had just made a serious point about the toolpusher at a dry hole," said Simmons, "When all these guys started to roar with laughter and spit tobacco juice into the cup in the middle of the table.  I was embarrassed and horrified." 

The Guv'na declined to be interviewed for this article.

Young MacCallum Being Considered for 2016 Scottish Squad

Conor MacCallum at the links at Elie

Elie, Scotland -
Conor MacCallum, the 18-year-old son of long-time Quaich player Ian "Big Man" MacCallum, is being considered for a position on Team Scotland.  Having recently won the junior club championship at Elie, young Conor is considered a prodigy and would add much needed energy to Team Scotland.

With only eight available positions, Scottish Captain (and Conor's uncle) Ross "Rosco" MacCallum would have to cut one of his veterans to make room for Conor.

"I'm considering all options to put a winning team on the course," said a coy Rosco.

"Aye, right!" said Conor.  "Uncle Ross knows I'm interested in playin' for my country,"

Rumors that Graeme "H" Wilson  and Kevin "Riddler" Riddle are considered expendable because of their relatively low winning percentage in Quaich matches have been swirling for weeks. Riddler, however, is coming off a stellar 3 - 1 performance in 2014 in the Highlands and appears to be a player on the rise.  H, on the other hand, finished with a 1-2-1 record last year.

"Whatcho expect? said a defensive H. "I had to play Farley twice fur fuck's sake!"

Team roster developments will be reported as they emerge.  The 2016 Quaich matches will be played in October in Austin, Texas.

Farley's Confidence Shattered After Club Championship Defeat

Brian "Stealth" Farley , the top points earner in Quaich history, had his confidence shattered by a humiliating defeat in his home club championship today.  Farley's final score of 73 was no match for the 67 carded by Andy Gabelman at Barrington Hills Country Club outside Chicago. Witnesses to the morning match reported hearing shouts of "Cockasaurus!" and "She Gone" echoing through the tall hardwoods bordering the lush fairways of BHCC.  After shooting an indifferent 38 on the front nine, Farley was 6 shots behind Gabelman with little hope of catching him on BHCC's treacherous back nine.  

"It was similar to my loss to the Riddler last year," said a tearful Farley after the round, referring to his dreadful 4 & 3 loss to Kevin "Riddler" Riddle at Lossiemouth in 2014.  "I got behind early and couldn't muster a comeback."

Farley has 20.5 Quaich points and a 79% win percentage but has appeared human in recent years. News of Farley's home club defeat buoyed the spirits of Team Scotland 3,700 miles away.

"Wizzit no a shame hearin' Farley gettin' gubbed by Gabelman?" asked Michael "Wee Mikey" Redford.  "Nae.  Ah'd love tae beat that big blonde yin so a wid."

Farley will join Team USA in defending the Quaich in Austin, Texas in October of 2016.

Where's The Bromance? Scots Lose To Americans in Friendly

In a desperate search for something that works, Team Scotland sent out the veterans in a “friendly” off-year match in St. Andrews.  It may have back-fired.  The American duo of Eric "Swayze" Silagy and Chris "Guv'na" Hughes defeated the Scottish pair of Ian and Ross MacCallum on the Kittocks course at St. Andrews Bay earlier today.  The lop-sided score of the four-ball match was 5 & 4.

As the Brothers MacCallum slipped further behind the Americans during the match, they began to coach each other in an attempt to improve performance.   Sadly, the coaching had the opposite effect to what was intended.

"Shut yer gub ya bawheid!” said Ian “Big Man” MacCallum as his brother advised him on a twisting four-foot putt on the seventh green.

 “Haud yer wheesht, Ian!” said Ross “Rosco” MacCallum to Big Man when he recommended clubbing down on the approach to the ninth.

At the end of the miserable match, Rosco, the Scottish Captain for the 2016 Quaich matches, was philosophical.  “Aye, ‘twas Tatties o’wer the side today,”  he said.  “But it’s a lang road that’s no goat a turnin’. ”

Secret Meeting Leads to Decision on Quaich 2016 Dates

Breaking News!  It was just revealed that USA Captain Chris "Guv'na" Hughes and Scottish Captain Ross "Rosco" MacCallum met secretly in Scotland on July 16 to negotiate the dates of next year's Quaich matches.  Under cover of night, Captain Hughes flew to Scotland to meet with MacCallum without the knowledge of the rest of Team USA.  When the dates were announced as October 27 - 30, 2016 in Austin, Texas, it became clear that MacCallum somehow got the best of the bargaining.

"What the fu*k!" exclaimed Chris "Cudman" Van Horne of Team USA.  "We were supposed to play in mid-July, when Austin has a fu*king heat index of 112, to make the Scots really suffer!"

"We talked about this as a team," added Brian "Farley" Farley.  "The intent was to have the Scots sweat their kilt-covered balls off for four days.  I don't understand what happened to the plan."

This publication received an anonymous photo of the fateful meeting in Scotland at the Scotch Malt Whiskey Society on Queen Street in Edinburgh on July 14.

Captains Hughes and MacCallum hit the bottle in Scotland at secret meeting

Hughes, who has a particular affinity for single malts, was clearly over-served when he agreed to the unprecedented October dates for the Quaich.

"He let Mikey P. right back into the mix," said former US Captain Eric "Swayze" Silagy, referring to the well-known fact that Michael "Mikey P" Peyrebrune would have been unable to play for Team Scotland in a State-side Quaich prior to August 2016 because of work obligations related to the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio De Janeiro.  "This was the Guv'na's first big decision as Captain and he blew it."

"I am please to commit to my first Quaich in the United States," said Mikey P. in a prepared statement.  "As one of the few Scots with an overall winning record in the Quaich matches, I expect to help my team take back the Quaich."

The 2016 Quaich matches will be played in Austin, Texas at the Barton Creek Resort.