H Drops Out Of 2016 Matches Citing "Quaich Fatigue"

A tired Graeeme "H" Wilson relaxes at home in Edinburgh

Graeme “H” Wilson, one of the founding fathers of the modern Quaich, announced today that he will not be joining the Scottish team for the biannual matches in October in Austin, Texas.  The news came as a shock to the golfing world on both sides of the Atlantic.

“After assessing the present condition of my game and consulting with my family, I've decided it's prudent to miss this year's Quaich,” said H in a prepared statement on his website (http://graemewilson.com/).   “I simply do not have the energy or enthusiasm needed to play.  While I hate to not to represent my country, I need to do what's best for my long-term health.”

It is no secret that H has not been the same golfer since devoting more of his time to fatherhood.  Since the arrival of his lovely daughter, Grace, in 2011, H has not had the time or interest in the grueling preparation required to play at a high level in the Quaich.

“Wee Grace is my first priority,” said H.

“A dinna ken he’s yappin’ aboot,” said Scotsman Michael “Wee Mikey” Redford when told of H’s decision.  “I have nine bairns in five different countries, and it’s never got in the way of ma golf.”

But is H’s withdrawal from the Quaich really due to family considerations? Insiders say that H was disillusioned after the 2014 Quaich, causing him to lose interest in continuing for Team Scotland.  Besides recording a personal low of 1.5 points in 2014, H was fuming at being accused of breaking the rules during a hotly contested fourball match at Lossiemouth.  In a fit of gamesmanship, American Stephen “Web” Webster claimed H was continually lifting his ball while in play --- a clear breach of the rules of golf.  H vehemently denied any wrong doing.  The resulting altercation between the Americans and Scots on the fourth fairway was ugly and affected the tone of the match. 

“Web is a daft wallaper,” said H angrily. “He’s the compulsive clawbaw, not me.”  Insiders say H believes the true spirit of the Quaich was destroyed that afternoon, and he wants no part of it going forward.

“I'd like to thank the fans for their concern and support,” said H in the prepared statement.  “The last two years have been difficult, but I have the best fans anywhere, and I want them to know that."

Scottish Captain Ross “Rosco” MacCallum will announce a replacement for H in the coming weeks.

Coincidental Meeting in Florida Fosters Inter-squad Relations

American Stephen "Web" Webster was recently attending a business meeting at the Hyatt Regency Coconut Point in Bonita Springs, Florida when he looked across the hotel bar. Sitting with two exotic-looking twenty-five -year-old women was none other than a well-preserved Tony "Hef" Denson of the Scottish team.  The two enjoyed catching up and exchanging observations on the upcoming Quaich matches.

Great Scott! Team Scotland Files “Birther” Lawsuit

PGA Tour player Adam Scott won his second consecutive tournament today in Miami, Florida.  Rather than reflecting on the $2.7 million he earned by winning the Honda Classic and WGC-Cadillac on consecutive weeks during the Florida swing, Scott wanted to talk about his strong interest in playing for Team USA during the 2016 Quaich matches.

“I’m very close to Swayze,” said Scott, referring to Team USA player Eric “Swayze” Silagy. “And I know how much the Quaich means to him.  At his request, I have committed to playing for Team USA in October in order to retain the Quaich.”

Best Buddies: Swayze and Adam Scott

Team Scotland immediately cried foul, pointing to the "natural born citizen" eligibility requirement specified in the Quaich by-laws.  In the opinion of Team Scotland, Scott, who was born in Adelaide, Australia in 1980, is not eligible to play for Team USA. 

Team USA representatives do not argue with the fact that Scott was born in Australia.  However, they point out that his mother, Pam, is American.   “We maintained that Adam is eligible to play for Team USA,” said Team USA Captain Chris “Guv’na” Hughes, noting the distinction between natural-born and naturalized citizens.

Team Scotland has filed a “birther” lawsuit in the U.S. District Court for the Western District of Texas to block Scott’s eligibility to play for Team USA.  “When Adam Scott was born, at the moment of his birth, location determined his status, and his status was that of a natural-born Australian citizen, not American,” said Kent D. McPhail, attorney for Team Scotland.  “You cannot be a natural-born or native-born citizen of two countries."

“My good friend ‘Scotty’ will be a great addition to the team,” said Swayze confidently.

Check back with the Quaich Blog for updates on this developing story.

Caption Contest Featuring The Guv'na

We are running a Quaich "Caption Contest" for the following recent photo of the Guv'na.  Use the "Post A Comment" feature below this post to enter your own caption.  To get the ideas flowing, we have eight sample captions below.  Have fun with this one!

Caption ideas:

1. "Wait!  I was told this hot tub would be full of bros"
2. Where is his other hand?
3. "I'm smiling because I'm sitting on the volcano jet"
4. Wearing what the Scots would call "Budgie Smugglers"
5. Throwback photo from the "Gay Barge" cruise on the intracoastal waterway during Quaich 2012
6. Google "Pseudimonas folliculitis".  I dare you.
7. "Hot Tub" is the pet name Vicky Van Horne uses for her husband
8. The hot girls are out of the frame, taking the photo

Quaich legends: Super Bowl edition

It's Super Bowl Sunday in the States, and in honor of the big game, we have a football throwback for Quaich fans.  Three current Quaich players are in the team photo below (circa 1975).  Can you identify them?  The answer key is below.

Answer key:

#80 = Sheets

# 38 = Swayze

#75 = Atco

Team USA Begins Tune Up for Quaich

Swayze and Web on the 16th at Medalist

Swayze and Web on the 18th at Jupiter Hills

Team USA, which is known for its meticulous Quaich preparation, began it's practice regime this week in south Florida. Stephen "Web" Webster joined former USA Captain Eric "Swayze" Silagy for an intense two-day practice session at The Medalist Golf Club and Jupiter Hills Club.  In an effort to fine-tune their swings, the two Quaich standouts spent time on the range at The Medalist under the watchful eye of club pros and Trackman swing monitoring technology.  

Web started his range session at Medalist by shanking a 7-iron directly in front of nearby PGA touring pro Jesper Parnevik.  Parnevik was heard muttering "Din jävla idiot!".  Despite that poor start, the time on the range led to incredible results.  "I really feel like I've dialed in the perfect swing," said an excited Web.  The results of the hard work are clear in these two slow-motion videos.

Yes, Swayze's video is indeed in slow motion.  He's working on a slower tempo in the lead up to the Quaich matches in Austin in October.

Rosco Relocates to Texas Ahead of 2016 Quaich

In an audacious effort to gain an advantage going into next year’s Quaich matches, Scottish Captain Ross “Rosco” MacCallum has taken up permanent residence in Austin, Texas.  Leaving his wife, Sammy, and two teenaged children behind in Edinburgh, Rosco has been living in the upscale Plaza Lofts apartment in downtown Austin for several weeks. 

“Relocating just makes strategic sense,” said Rosco.  “It’ll give me access to the Barton Creek golf courses, which I plan to play several times each week.” The Barton Creek Resort will be the host facility of the 2016 Quaich matches.

Rosco’s apartment lease runs through October 2016, and not everyone is as gleeful as he about the move.

“I do not understand it,” said a tearful Sammy MacCallum. “He has essentially abandoned his family.”

“I gotta be honest,” said Chris “Guvna” Hughes, the USA Captain and Austin resident.  “It’s kind of creepy running into Ross everywhere I go lately.”

Rosco at University of Texas football game

Indeed, the Guvna was entertaining clients at a recent University of Texas football game when Rosco suddenly appeared wearing a Longhorns cap and over-sized burnt orange rain poncho.  “He just shows up, uninvited and all excited to learn about American football,” said Guvna.  “It was really awkward for my guests when Ross started screaming at the referee to issue a red card to a Kansas State linebacker.”

Rosco at Gruene Hall

Rosco at Salt Lick

Two days later, Guvna and his wife were enjoying a quiet dinner at the Salt Lick, a popular barbecue restaurant in Austin, when Rosco unexpectedly appeared.  “He just sat down next to me and asked Pam to past the brisket and beans,” said Guvna.  “I was speechless.”  Later that night, Rosco followed the Hughes to Gruene Hall and made a scene by disrupting a Texas line dance with his own bizarre version of the Scottish Ceilidh.  The Guvna filed for a 50-foot restraining order the next morning.

Rosco at Top Golf

Rosco’s purported reason for the move to Texas --- to spend time studying the golf courses at Barton Creek --- has not yet materialized.  He has, however, been seen every other night at Top Golf, a local golf amusement center.  “Mister MacCallum is a great customer,” said Brad Stafford, the General Manager at Top Golf.  “He orders a bucket of Shiners and a couple of quesadillas and spends hours trying to hit the blue target.”

At last report, Rosco had purchased cowboy boots, Cinch

jeans and started greeting strangers with “Howdy”.  He even purchased an assault rifle, claiming he might need to protect himself from the “illegals” coming up from Mexico.  “We oughta’ build a fu*kin’ wall,” said Rosco as he dipped into a bag of Red Man. “But until then, I’ve got my Baretta and a box full of ballistic silver-tips to keep me safe.”