Interpreting Sheets Speak

Late on Saturday afternoon, USA player James “Sheets” Moreland was numb from a cocktail of Bud Lights and prescription strength Diclofenac Sodium.  Having just lost a spirited two-man scramble match, Sheets staggered atop a hill near the 17^th green at the Coore Crenshaw course and began to cheer on his teammates as their matches finished up.   Even at his most articulate, Sheets can be hard to understand, but he reached new heights of incomprehensibility on Saturday afternoon.  Our cameras were there to capture the moment.  What do you hear in this video?

Vodka and Estrogen Flow Freely At Quaich!

A cat-fight of epic proportions occurred on Friday night after the first round of the Quaich.  With the USA already down 2 1/2 to 1 1/2 points, USA Captain Chris “Guvna” Hughes made the decision to call in a substitute for an injured James “Sheets” Moreland.  Incredibly, the Captain's decision was allegedly blocked by his own teammate, Stephen “Web” Webster.  During late night drinks at Banger’s Sausage House Beer Garden in Austin, Guvna was heard to scream about “insubordination” and “executive privilege”.  Web slurred a few vodka-infused words about the “spirit of the Quaich” and “no interlopers”.  Seeing the Americans beginning to implode, the Scottish team quietly disappeared into the night.  The American team continued fighting among themselves into the early hours of the morning.

Many Quaich insiders say that Web, in particular, tends to feed off drama.  “Web has been involved in most of the drama over the years in the Quaich,” said an unnamed source.  “Let’s just say it’s not just a coincidence. Web’s a bit of a drama mama.”

Indeed, Web has been at their epicenter of many of the great Quaich controversies in the past.  Web was actively involved in the Graeme Wilson ball touching accusation at Lossiemouth, the sweet potato soup incident at Castle Stewart, and the fake tequila shots at North Berwick.

Guvna and Web in happier times

This is certainly not the first time Web has squabbled with his own team.  Sources tell us that in 2014 in the Highlands, Web and then-Captain Eric “Swayze” Silagy exchanged personal invectives at the dining table over a suggested benching of Web for poor play.   The slurs “controlling Type A douche canoe” and “passive-aggressive feeble dicked jizztissue” were heard ringing from the walls of the great room of Quarryfield.  Six years earlier, because Web was not collaborative in selecting pairings while Captain in Colorado in 2008, he had a very public argument with Cudman during dinner at Six89 in Carbondale.  The two did not speak for 24-hours after the ugly episode.

“Web is crazier'n all git out!” said one anonymous source with a Texas twang. “I done told ya he was on his period this weekend.”

“I don’t know why I always end up in the middle of these incidents,” said a contrite Web. “I’m looking forward to having a drama-free Quaich in 2018.”

Quaich Week Has Begun

Quaich Week has begun! The first to arrive in Austin is a very eager Michael "Wee Mikey" Redford from Team Scotland.  Real-time updates this week will be posted from the Quaich Facebook Fan Page.  Please "Like" the page at https://www.facebook.com/QuaichGolf/ to get the posts into your regular Facebook feed.

Wee Mikey and the Guvna at Lake Travis in Austin, Texas

Weather Forecast for Quaich - Toasty!

Players from both teams are packing the sunscreen and shorts for this year's Quaich matches.  The weather forecast for Austin for next week looks to be warm and sunny.  By way of contrast, the same forecast for Edinburgh during this stretch calls for wind, rain and high temperatures of 55 degrees Fahrenheit.  

The weather will be ideal for the aging Quaich participants.  James "Sheets" Moreland has on-going lower back issues, but the warm weather should keep his thoracolumbar fascia muscle relatively loose. USA's Brian "Goombay" Farley has a "material" right wrist injury.  He is counting on Advil, cortisone injections, and the warm Texas sunshine to keep him going.  Ian "Big Man" MacCallum is once again listed only as "probable" to start for Scotland because of his chronic "dodgy hip".  The eighty degree temps will surely help him rotate through the ball when the teams tee it up on Friday.  Finally, the warm weather will be a relief for Ray "Mundo" Bonilla of Team USA.  After double hip replacement surgery earlier this year, Mundo is rumored to require help getting out of a parked car because of his lack of flexibility.

Quaich 2016 starts one week from today in Austin, Texas.

Quaich Nostalgia

Rosco at Medalist in 2012

With the opening tee shots of the 2016 Quaich next week in Austin, the Scottish and American teams will meet for the eighth time in the modern era.  The Quaich has a rich history.  Here are some throwback photos from past matches.

Sheets at River Valley in 2008

NSW Ronnie, Web and Wee Mikey at Dunbar in 2010

Big Man, Web and Swayze at The Old Course in 1989

Cudman, Mundo, Hef, Goombay and Swayze at Lossiemouth in 2014

Wee Mikey, Big Man, H, NSW Ronnie, Wee Mikey P and Rosco at St. Andrews Bay in 2002

Formats and Courses

USGA match play rules apply to all events.  In match play the game is played by holes. A hole is won by the side that holes its ball in fewer strokes.  In the Quaich, matches will be handicapped per mutual agreement of the Captains, and the lower net score wins the hole.

Friday, October 28

Four Ball

Each golfer plays their own ball throughout the round, such that four balls are in play. A team's number of strokes for a given hole is that of the lower scoring team member.

Palmer Lakeside 

(https://www.omnihotels.com/hotels/austin-barton-creek/golf/palmer-lakeside)

Saturday, October 29 

A.M. 

Four Ball

Each golfer plays their own ball throughout the round, such that four balls are in play. A team's number of strokes for a given hole is that of the lower scoring team member.

Fazio Canyons 

(https://www.omnihotels.com/hotels/austin-barton-creek/golf/fazio-canyons)

P.M. 

Two-Man Scramble

Each player tees off, the best tee shot is selected and all players play their second shots from that spot. The best second shot is determined, and then all play their third shots from that spot, and so on until the ball is holed.

Coore Crenshaw 

(https://www.omnihotels.com/hotels/austin-barton-creek/golf/coore-crenshaw)

Sunday, October 30

Singles

Fazio Foothills

(https://www.omnihotels.com/hotels/austin-barton-creek/golf/fazio-foothills)

Quaich 2016 Schedule of Events

The schedule of events for Quaich 2016 has been released.  It looks to be another epic get-together.  The schedule proves that, as usual, the Quaich is as much an endurance contest as it is a golf match.  Bring it

2016 Quaich

Barton Creek Resort and Country Club

Austin, Texas

October 26^th to 30th

Wednesday October 27^th

4:00 PM – 6:00 PM
Arrive: Omni Barton Creek Resort

(Transportation from Airport to Resort

will be provided).

6:30 – 8:30 PM
Cocktails and Dinner at the Resort.             

8:30 – 11:00 PM
Drinks, Hazing, and Bullshitting                  

                                                   

Thursday October 27^th

8:00 AM – 9:00 AM
Breakfast: Main Dining Room (On your own)   

(Full Breakfast Buffest available)

10:00 AM – 3:00 PM
Practice Round on Fazio Foothills course        

5:00 PM
Cocktails at Resort                                          

5:45 PM

Depart Resort for Salt Lick BBQ in Driftwood, TX        

(Beer and Cocktails provided en route)

6:30 PM
Opening Dinner at Salt Lick                                                                         

8:30 PM

Depart Salt Lick for 6^th Street                                                                      

Entertainment District                                             

11:30 PM
Depart Downtown Austin for Resort                                                         

Friday October 28th

7:00 – 8:00 AM
Breakfast:  Main Dining Room                                                                     

8:30 AM
Depart: For Palmer Lakeside course                                                          

10:00 AM
Quaich Opening Round Tee Off                                                                   

(Box Lunch provided)

2:30 – 3:30 PM
Depart Lakeside for Resort                                                                         

6:15 PM
Depart Resort for El Mercado Cantina                                                    

(Downtown Austin)

6:45 – 8:45 PM
Dinner at El Mercado                                                                                   

8:45 PM
Depart El Mercado for South Congress

or Rainey St. Entertainment Districts                                                         

11:00 PM
Depart South Congress for Resort                                                             

Saturday October 29^th

7:30 AM
Depart Resort for Fazio Canyons course                                                   

(Breakfast Tacos will be provided) (10 minute bus ride)

8:30 AM
Quaich Second Round Tee Off                                                                    

1:30 PM
Depart Fazio Canyons for Resort                                                               

(Box Lunch provided at Resort)

2:00 PM
Third Round Tee Off: Coore/Crenshaw Cliffside course                         

7:00 – 8:00 PM
Cocktails at Resort                                                                                        

8:15 PM
Depart Resort for Warehouse Entertainment District                             

8:45 PM
Pizza Dinner, football watching                                                                   

11:00 PM
Depart Warehouse District for Resort                                                       

Sunday October 30th                                                                                                                               

7:00 – 8:00 AM
Breakfast: Main Dining Room                                                                      

8:30 AM
Final Round Tee Off: Fazio Foothills                                                          

1:30 – 3:00 PM
Snacks, Beer, and Bragging                                                                          

5:00 PM
Depart Resort for Closing Dinner

(Steiner Ranch Steak House overlooking Lake Travis)                                

5:30 -7:00 PM
Drinks and Sunset                                                                                         

7:00 PM
Closing Dinner                                                                                               

9:00 PM

Depart Steiner Ranch for Resort