Swayze's Failed Swing Changes Boost Scottish Team Confidence

It has been rumored all winter that former USA Captain Eric "Swayze" Silagy was overhauling his swing in preparation for the 2016 Quaich matches.  Swayze has been quietly working with Medalist Golf Club (Florida) head professional Buddy Antonopoulos on altering his well-known "pinch" move on the downswing in order to generate more distance.  Swayze recently debuted his new swing at an exhibition match at Elie in Scotland and the results were shocking.

Swayze's new swing on display on 17th tee at Elie

"It's a bit o' a shocker," said Kevin "Riddler" Riddle, who witnessed Swayze lurching awkwardly at the ball throughout the afternoon. "He was in a richt pelter all day!"

Swayze took a beating from Ian "Big Man" MacCallum and Riddler in an 18-hole match at the Quaich 2002 venue.  When Swayze hit his drive out-of-bounds left onto the beach on the 13th hole followed by two shots "Oscar Bravo" on 14, it sealed his fate.

Although Swayze insisted on no photographs on the course for the match, a spectator secretly captured his weird new swing action with a mobile phone (see photo).

"I cudnae watch it!" exclaimed Ian "Big Man" MacCallum.  "'Tis nae natural."

Swayze's swing challenges can be seen as good news for Team Scotland as things heat up in advance of the big showdown in Austin against Team USA in October.

Riddler Emerges from Seclusion with New Svelte Physique

Riddler (on right) drinking a pint of Sheepshagger's Light 

Kevin "Riddler" Riddle had not been seen publicly in months.  When he recently emerged from seclusion to attend the "Quaich Toast to Champions" event at The Canny Man's in Edinburgh, Riddler looked significantly slimmer.

"Aye, I've lost 5 stone," said Riddler, sipping a pint of 105 calorie Sheepshagger's Light.

Riddler, who is a stalwart player for Team Scotland, looks ready to take on the Americans single-handedly in Austin in October.

With Riddler's dramatic weight loss, the heaviest player on Team Scotland may now be Ronald "Not So Wee Ronnie" Denholm.  Although he too is rarely seen in public, Ronnie has been rumored to have added at least one chin since Quaich 2014.

Waist sizes (left to right) in centimeters: 112, 84, and 107

The official participant weigh-in for Quaich 2016 will take place at the Three Springs Spa at the Omni Barton Creek Resort on the evening of October 27.

2020 Quaich Site Visit

Hoping to increase its chances of being awarded the host city for the 2020 Quaich, Chicago entertained a delegation of dignitaries this week.  Stephen "Web" Webster and Brian "Stealth" Farley toured the facilities and played 18 holes at potential venue Barrington Hills Country Club.

"The quality of the courses, along with easy access to one of the great cities of the world, would make Chicago a fantastic host site for the 2020 Quaich," said Farley.

Web and Farley at Barrington Hills Country Club

The staff at Barrington Hills went out of its way to make sure the dignitaries felt pampered.  After multiple beers on the course and several rum cocktails in the locker room after the round, Web slurred, "Whada greaaaat place. Isssshhh gotma
vote."

H Drops Out Of 2016 Matches Citing "Quaich Fatigue"

A tired Graeeme "H" Wilson relaxes at home in Edinburgh

Graeme “H” Wilson, one of the founding fathers of the modern Quaich, announced today that he will not be joining the Scottish team for the biannual matches in October in Austin, Texas.  The news came as a shock to the golfing world on both sides of the Atlantic.

“After assessing the present condition of my game and consulting with my family, I've decided it's prudent to miss this year's Quaich,” said H in a prepared statement on his website (http://graemewilson.com/).   “I simply do not have the energy or enthusiasm needed to play.  While I hate to not to represent my country, I need to do what's best for my long-term health.”

It is no secret that H has not been the same golfer since devoting more of his time to fatherhood.  Since the arrival of his lovely daughter, Grace, in 2011, H has not had the time or interest in the grueling preparation required to play at a high level in the Quaich.

“Wee Grace is my first priority,” said H.

“A dinna ken he’s yappin’ aboot,” said Scotsman Michael “Wee Mikey” Redford when told of H’s decision.  “I have nine bairns in five different countries, and it’s never got in the way of ma golf.”

But is H’s withdrawal from the Quaich really due to family considerations? Insiders say that H was disillusioned after the 2014 Quaich, causing him to lose interest in continuing for Team Scotland.  Besides recording a personal low of 1.5 points in 2014, H was fuming at being accused of breaking the rules during a hotly contested fourball match at Lossiemouth.  In a fit of gamesmanship, American Stephen “Web” Webster claimed H was continually lifting his ball while in play --- a clear breach of the rules of golf.  H vehemently denied any wrong doing.  The resulting altercation between the Americans and Scots on the fourth fairway was ugly and affected the tone of the match. 

“Web is a daft wallaper,” said H angrily. “He’s the compulsive clawbaw, not me.”  Insiders say H believes the true spirit of the Quaich was destroyed that afternoon, and he wants no part of it going forward.

“I'd like to thank the fans for their concern and support,” said H in the prepared statement.  “The last two years have been difficult, but I have the best fans anywhere, and I want them to know that."

Scottish Captain Ross “Rosco” MacCallum will announce a replacement for H in the coming weeks.

Coincidental Meeting in Florida Fosters Inter-squad Relations

American Stephen "Web" Webster was recently attending a business meeting at the Hyatt Regency Coconut Point in Bonita Springs, Florida when he looked across the hotel bar. Sitting with two exotic-looking twenty-five -year-old women was none other than a well-preserved Tony "Hef" Denson of the Scottish team.  The two enjoyed catching up and exchanging observations on the upcoming Quaich matches.

Great Scott! Team Scotland Files “Birther” Lawsuit

PGA Tour player Adam Scott won his second consecutive tournament today in Miami, Florida.  Rather than reflecting on the $2.7 million he earned by winning the Honda Classic and WGC-Cadillac on consecutive weeks during the Florida swing, Scott wanted to talk about his strong interest in playing for Team USA during the 2016 Quaich matches.

“I’m very close to Swayze,” said Scott, referring to Team USA player Eric “Swayze” Silagy. “And I know how much the Quaich means to him.  At his request, I have committed to playing for Team USA in October in order to retain the Quaich.”

Best Buddies: Swayze and Adam Scott

Team Scotland immediately cried foul, pointing to the "natural born citizen" eligibility requirement specified in the Quaich by-laws.  In the opinion of Team Scotland, Scott, who was born in Adelaide, Australia in 1980, is not eligible to play for Team USA. 

Team USA representatives do not argue with the fact that Scott was born in Australia.  However, they point out that his mother, Pam, is American.   “We maintained that Adam is eligible to play for Team USA,” said Team USA Captain Chris “Guv’na” Hughes, noting the distinction between natural-born and naturalized citizens.

Team Scotland has filed a “birther” lawsuit in the U.S. District Court for the Western District of Texas to block Scott’s eligibility to play for Team USA.  “When Adam Scott was born, at the moment of his birth, location determined his status, and his status was that of a natural-born Australian citizen, not American,” said Kent D. McPhail, attorney for Team Scotland.  “You cannot be a natural-born or native-born citizen of two countries."

“My good friend ‘Scotty’ will be a great addition to the team,” said Swayze confidently.

Check back with the Quaich Blog for updates on this developing story.

Caption Contest Featuring The Guv'na

We are running a Quaich "Caption Contest" for the following recent photo of the Guv'na.  Use the "Post A Comment" feature below this post to enter your own caption.  To get the ideas flowing, we have eight sample captions below.  Have fun with this one!

Caption ideas:

1. "Wait!  I was told this hot tub would be full of bros"
2. Where is his other hand?
3. "I'm smiling because I'm sitting on the volcano jet"
4. Wearing what the Scots would call "Budgie Smugglers"
5. Throwback photo from the "Gay Barge" cruise on the intracoastal waterway during Quaich 2012
6. Google "Pseudimonas folliculitis".  I dare you.
7. "Hot Tub" is the pet name Vicky Van Horne uses for her husband
8. The hot girls are out of the frame, taking the photo