Desperation or Brilliance? Team Scotland Rounds Out Its Roster with Slicer and “Oor Wullie”

Edinburgh, September 5, 2016

Team Scotland announced its final Captain’s Picks for the 2016 Quaich matches earlier today in a press conference at the Assembly Rooms on George Street in Edinburgh.   Scottish Captain Ross “Rosco” MacCallum named Dr. Douglas “Slicer” Brown and Allen “Oor Wullie” Wilson as the seventh and eighth players on his roster.

Guvna and Slicer in Florida, June 2012

Avid Quaich fans will remember Slicer as a stealthy rookie in the 2012 Quaich in Florida.  The last time we saw Slicer in action, he was taking down Chris “Guvna” Hughes 8&7 in singles at Ballenisles in 2012. It was the last recorded Dog’s License in Quaich history.  “Aye, ‘twas a proud day fur me,” said Slicer.  “I expect to hang another license on Guvna in Austin.” 

For his part, the Guvna relishes the opportunity for revenge. “Dangit, now you got the Guvna all worked up for nothin’,” said Guvna when reminded of his 2012 singles defeat. “Guvna’s fixin’ tuh git-r-done this year.”

“I’m delighted to have Slicer back on the team,” said Rosco.  “He plays well in the States and is a proven winner when partnered with Ronnie.”  

Slicer, who is a licensed doctor in St. Andrews, and Ronald “Not So Wee Ronnie” Denholm were undefeated as a pair in 2012.  “I don’t know if they’ll be paired together again,” said an unnamed source inside the American team.  “But it will be good to have a doctor familiar with Heimlich maneuver around when NSW Ronnie attacks the breakfast buffet at the Omni Barton Creek Resort,”

Quaich Blog Flashback: Slicer's 2012 Introduction

Allen Wilson and his namesake "Orr Wullie"

Allen “Oor Wullie” Wilson is a mystery.  Reportedly born and raised in Glasgow, Oor Wullie now lives in Vancouver, Canada where he runs an oil exploration firm and plays to a single digit handicap.   Quaich officials are still confirming Oor Wullie’s eligibility to play for Scotland, but Captain MacCallum is confident that he will be confirmed.  “He’s more Scottish than Ben Nevis, haggis, Sheena Easton and Irn Bru combined,” said Rosco.

“This story has more twists than a pretzel factory,” said Guvna when informed of Oor Wullie’s background. “The man claims to be of Scottish birth, resides in Canada, but spends more time in Oklahoma than he does anywhere else.” 

“Un-fucking-believable,” said Chris “Cudman” Van Horne.  “So now only half of Team Scotland actually live in the country they claim to represent.”

Ignoring the criticism, Rosco is excited about bringing in a ringer who can match up well against American stalwart Brian “Stealth” Farley.  “Oor Wullie will rally gie’n it laldy in Austin,” said Rosco.

The 2016 Quaich matches will commence on October 28^th in Austin, Texas.