Desperation or Brilliance? Team Scotland Rounds Out Its Roster with Slicer and “Oor Wullie”

Edinburgh, September 5, 2016

Team Scotland announced its final Captain’s Picks for the 2016 Quaich matches earlier today in a press conference at the Assembly Rooms on George Street in Edinburgh.   Scottish Captain Ross “Rosco” MacCallum named Dr. Douglas “Slicer” Brown and Allen “Oor Wullie” Wilson as the seventh and eighth players on his roster.

Guvna and Slicer in Florida, June 2012

Avid Quaich fans will remember Slicer as a stealthy rookie in the 2012 Quaich in Florida.  The last time we saw Slicer in action, he was taking down Chris “Guvna” Hughes 8&7 in singles at Ballenisles in 2012. It was the last recorded Dog’s License in Quaich history.  “Aye, ‘twas a proud day fur me,” said Slicer.  “I expect to hang another license on Guvna in Austin.” 

For his part, the Guvna relishes the opportunity for revenge. “Dangit, now you got the Guvna all worked up for nothin’,” said Guvna when reminded of his 2012 singles defeat. “Guvna’s fixin’ tuh git-r-done this year.”

“I’m delighted to have Slicer back on the team,” said Rosco.  “He plays well in the States and is a proven winner when partnered with Ronnie.”  

Slicer, who is a licensed doctor in St. Andrews, and Ronald “Not So Wee Ronnie” Denholm were undefeated as a pair in 2012.  “I don’t know if they’ll be paired together again,” said an unnamed source inside the American team.  “But it will be good to have a doctor familiar with Heimlich maneuver around when NSW Ronnie attacks the breakfast buffet at the Omni Barton Creek Resort,”

Quaich Blog Flashback: Slicer's 2012 Introduction

Allen Wilson and his namesake "Orr Wullie"

Allen “Oor Wullie” Wilson is a mystery.  Reportedly born and raised in Glasgow, Oor Wullie now lives in Vancouver, Canada where he runs an oil exploration firm and plays to a single digit handicap.   Quaich officials are still confirming Oor Wullie’s eligibility to play for Scotland, but Captain MacCallum is confident that he will be confirmed.  “He’s more Scottish than Ben Nevis, haggis, Sheena Easton and Irn Bru combined,” said Rosco.

“This story has more twists than a pretzel factory,” said Guvna when informed of Oor Wullie’s background. “The man claims to be of Scottish birth, resides in Canada, but spends more time in Oklahoma than he does anywhere else.” 

“Un-fucking-believable,” said Chris “Cudman” Van Horne.  “So now only half of Team Scotland actually live in the country they claim to represent.”

Ignoring the criticism, Rosco is excited about bringing in a ringer who can match up well against American stalwart Brian “Stealth” Farley.  “Oor Wullie will rally gie’n it laldy in Austin,” said Rosco.

The 2016 Quaich matches will commence on October 28^th in Austin, Texas.

Is This A Joke? Scottish Captain MacCallum Gives Riddler the Boot!

Rosco and Riddler in happier times

Kevin “Riddler” Riddle was informed late on Friday by Scottish Captain Ross “Rosco” MacCallum that he would not be asked to join the team for Quaich 2016 in Austin, Texas next month.  Scotland fans were shocked and angered by the move, especially given that Riddler was enjoying a renaissance in his golf game and was among the leading points producers for Team Scotland in 2014.

“I have great respect for Riddler,” said Rosco.  “But I feel that we need to change our formula and bring in new players to be successful in America.”

“Ah'm fuckin beelin, so ah um,” said an enraged Riddler.  “Ross is a right diddie so he is.”

Rosco's Twitter account immediately filled with hateful tweets from Riddler's loyal fans.

"@rossmaccallum1 Keep Riddler, you tit!"

"@rossmaccallum1 You're such a Gobshite!"

"@rossmaccallum1 Why?  You witless fucking cocksplat!"

"@rossmaccallum1 Riddler was your best player, you idiotic jizztrumpet!"

The move leaves Captain MacCallum with two spots to fill when he announces his Captain’s Picks at a press conference on Monday in Edinburgh.

Swayze's Failed Swing Changes Boost Scottish Team Confidence

It has been rumored all winter that former USA Captain Eric "Swayze" Silagy was overhauling his swing in preparation for the 2016 Quaich matches.  Swayze has been quietly working with Medalist Golf Club (Florida) head professional Buddy Antonopoulos on altering his well-known "pinch" move on the downswing in order to generate more distance.  Swayze recently debuted his new swing at an exhibition match at Elie in Scotland and the results were shocking.

Swayze's new swing on display on 17th tee at Elie

"It's a bit o' a shocker," said Kevin "Riddler" Riddle, who witnessed Swayze lurching awkwardly at the ball throughout the afternoon. "He was in a richt pelter all day!"

Swayze took a beating from Ian "Big Man" MacCallum and Riddler in an 18-hole match at the Quaich 2002 venue.  When Swayze hit his drive out-of-bounds left onto the beach on the 13th hole followed by two shots "Oscar Bravo" on 14, it sealed his fate.

Although Swayze insisted on no photographs on the course for the match, a spectator secretly captured his weird new swing action with a mobile phone (see photo).

"I cudnae watch it!" exclaimed Ian "Big Man" MacCallum.  "'Tis nae natural."

Swayze's swing challenges can be seen as good news for Team Scotland as things heat up in advance of the big showdown in Austin against Team USA in October.

Riddler Emerges from Seclusion with New Svelte Physique

Riddler (on right) drinking a pint of Sheepshagger's Light 

Kevin "Riddler" Riddle had not been seen publicly in months.  When he recently emerged from seclusion to attend the "Quaich Toast to Champions" event at The Canny Man's in Edinburgh, Riddler looked significantly slimmer.

"Aye, I've lost 5 stone," said Riddler, sipping a pint of 105 calorie Sheepshagger's Light.

Riddler, who is a stalwart player for Team Scotland, looks ready to take on the Americans single-handedly in Austin in October.

With Riddler's dramatic weight loss, the heaviest player on Team Scotland may now be Ronald "Not So Wee Ronnie" Denholm.  Although he too is rarely seen in public, Ronnie has been rumored to have added at least one chin since Quaich 2014.

Waist sizes (left to right) in centimeters: 112, 84, and 107

The official participant weigh-in for Quaich 2016 will take place at the Three Springs Spa at the Omni Barton Creek Resort on the evening of October 27.

2020 Quaich Site Visit

Hoping to increase its chances of being awarded the host city for the 2020 Quaich, Chicago entertained a delegation of dignitaries this week.  Stephen "Web" Webster and Brian "Stealth" Farley toured the facilities and played 18 holes at potential venue Barrington Hills Country Club.

"The quality of the courses, along with easy access to one of the great cities of the world, would make Chicago a fantastic host site for the 2020 Quaich," said Farley.

Web and Farley at Barrington Hills Country Club

The staff at Barrington Hills went out of its way to make sure the dignitaries felt pampered.  After multiple beers on the course and several rum cocktails in the locker room after the round, Web slurred, "Whada greaaaat place. Isssshhh gotma
vote."

H Drops Out Of 2016 Matches Citing "Quaich Fatigue"

A tired Graeeme "H" Wilson relaxes at home in Edinburgh

Graeme “H” Wilson, one of the founding fathers of the modern Quaich, announced today that he will not be joining the Scottish team for the biannual matches in October in Austin, Texas.  The news came as a shock to the golfing world on both sides of the Atlantic.

“After assessing the present condition of my game and consulting with my family, I've decided it's prudent to miss this year's Quaich,” said H in a prepared statement on his website (http://graemewilson.com/).   “I simply do not have the energy or enthusiasm needed to play.  While I hate to not to represent my country, I need to do what's best for my long-term health.”

It is no secret that H has not been the same golfer since devoting more of his time to fatherhood.  Since the arrival of his lovely daughter, Grace, in 2011, H has not had the time or interest in the grueling preparation required to play at a high level in the Quaich.

“Wee Grace is my first priority,” said H.

“A dinna ken he’s yappin’ aboot,” said Scotsman Michael “Wee Mikey” Redford when told of H’s decision.  “I have nine bairns in five different countries, and it’s never got in the way of ma golf.”

But is H’s withdrawal from the Quaich really due to family considerations? Insiders say that H was disillusioned after the 2014 Quaich, causing him to lose interest in continuing for Team Scotland.  Besides recording a personal low of 1.5 points in 2014, H was fuming at being accused of breaking the rules during a hotly contested fourball match at Lossiemouth.  In a fit of gamesmanship, American Stephen “Web” Webster claimed H was continually lifting his ball while in play --- a clear breach of the rules of golf.  H vehemently denied any wrong doing.  The resulting altercation between the Americans and Scots on the fourth fairway was ugly and affected the tone of the match. 

“Web is a daft wallaper,” said H angrily. “He’s the compulsive clawbaw, not me.”  Insiders say H believes the true spirit of the Quaich was destroyed that afternoon, and he wants no part of it going forward.

“I'd like to thank the fans for their concern and support,” said H in the prepared statement.  “The last two years have been difficult, but I have the best fans anywhere, and I want them to know that."

Scottish Captain Ross “Rosco” MacCallum will announce a replacement for H in the coming weeks.

Coincidental Meeting in Florida Fosters Inter-squad Relations

American Stephen "Web" Webster was recently attending a business meeting at the Hyatt Regency Coconut Point in Bonita Springs, Florida when he looked across the hotel bar. Sitting with two exotic-looking twenty-five -year-old women was none other than a well-preserved Tony "Hef" Denson of the Scottish team.  The two enjoyed catching up and exchanging observations on the upcoming Quaich matches.